Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in vidricarion's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 8th, 2006
11:57 am	This will probably be my last entry. I don't expect sympathy, what follows is an account of how things are right now, read it all. I hurt myself yesterday, not in the conventional razor-blade sense, but I did it all the same, I knew I was hurting myself, yet I didn't stop, because I needed to do it. Now I'm sat here in pain, as a result of which even more things have been taken away that kept me sane. I used to have friends, people who cared, I used to have goals and ambitions and love and trust and I used to be able to feel. I'm broken now, I laugh for no reason, I get elated for seconds at a time for no reason, I try and wring every positive feeling out of me that I can, but there's nothing really there anymore. I used to think I needed someone to love, that if I had that, all this would be tolerable, I don't need someone to love, love is the proverbial double edged sword that I can only take one more cut from. How did it come to this? Blame me if you want, I've been completely honest with all of you, and every action I've taken has been good-intentioned, you just seem to refuse to believe a person like that exists. Maybe there won't be a person like that left after I'm gone, maybe I am the last one, there was no personal gain in many of the things I did for you, it didn't make me feel good to do them, it didn't benefit me in any way, you have to assume it did though, because all you have to compare me with is people who are nothing like me. There's a reason selfless people don't exist anymore, the reason is people, who manipulate and hurt and damage any selfless act through their own refusal to believe that there aren't hidden intentions. Even now, I'm not writing this for me, this serves no purpose to me, I know all this already, and it won't serve any hidden agenda having any of you people read it, you either don't care for me or I'm dead to you. Even the nicest people, those closest to you, even your family, they only care about you a certain amount, before they reach a point where they won't let you explain, they don't care for your intentions or your reasoning or your meaning, they only care for what it is that has been done, and will judge you accordingly, because what has been done affects THEM, because it's about THEM, they've been hurt, and it doesn't matter why, and they won't trust you to say why. Do I really ask for too much? That people reason out why something has happened before they react to it? That they believe in honesty instead of assuming the worst? How many people these days ask questions of me beyond 'how are you'? Truth be told the only people that do that use it as a device for their own ends, either they want something from me or they're trying to appease their own feelings, they don't care for who I am or how I am. I'd spend every waking moment helping my friends out if they needed it, yet when I'm in trouble none of them have anything to say, they're all stumped or decide not to go into it, because it's not in their best interests to waste their time trying to help me out. What of those that do care? Why are they doing it? hmmm? Am I a utility for people? If I'm down that negates my ability to help you out, therefore you help me out so that I can help you out? So that you feel better in helping me out? Both in doing so and then as a result of? That sickens me. That's what bothers me most, that I seem to care for people far more than they ever care for me. Even those who claim to love me... what happened to you? I know you both will some day read this. I can only speak from my own experience here, but when you're in love with someone, no matter how much they hurt you, you can't really leave them for good, love is a binding force, it may end in time, but so long as it's still there, living without the person is next to impossible, you don't really live, you just continue existing, it's not really life. If you claim to love me, why can you forsake me for good? It's not me you love, that's why, it's the idea of me, the concept of a guy that will be selfless and caring and kind to you, and when I'm not like that, when you've found another that serves that purpose, or have found that I can no longer function like that, you toss me aside, I'm nothing to you really, if you care for who I am, you don't treat me like that, because you should know who it is I really am, but you don't, so you can't really care for me, so you don't really love me, you love how I treated you, you love who you thought I was, you don't love me, I don't mean to hurt you, yet you get hurt, so you lash out, that's not love. I answer every question honestly, I go to great lengths to make sure that you know all you ever want to know about me, yet when push comes to shove you don't ever seem to know enough about me, and you don't trust me enough to ever believe me, you can't believe I'm totally honest, you can't believe I'd tell you everything you ever wanted to know about me. So you believe there's something I am that I'm not, that I'm not really honest because I don't tell you about the something you believe me to be that I'm not, I act a certain way and you never ask why, so you convince yourself I'm not who I say I am through my actions, and then chastise me for not admitting that I'm something that I'm not. When the people closest to you do that, is there much point in being that close to anyone? Or are you all different? Are you really caring and selfless? Where's your proof that you're these things? You prove that you're caring by never speaking to me again? I tried never speaking to people again, because I thought that it was for their own benefit that they shouldn't speak to me, that they should get on with their lives without me in it, that it would be less complicated and better for them, even if it was worse for me. You cut me me off for YOUR benefit, all of you, I serve no purpose, so I'm cut off, I hurt you and with flawed reason you cut me off, you never speak to me and thus I never speak to you, and you cut me off for never speaking to you. One by one you drop like leaves from an autumn tree, until my branches are bare and brittle, and all that's left are the ones who've twigged, none at all. You can never know a person through their actions, you can take a good guess, but the only way of truly knowing people is through their intentions, and if they're unwilling to share them, you'll only really have a guess at what that person is like. I may have only been on this earth 21 years, but I've lived a very long time, I've seen friends die, people come and go, grow distant and come close in a matter of months, I've experienced so much of life over and over again, there's very little new to assail me, and in a sense that's comforting, I've taken most of the worst of life, what's left are the good things. Where are the good people though? The ones that really ARE selfless, the ones who can trust, and care, and comprehend that the world extends millions of miles beyond their own self? Has this life degenerated so much that we must now seek comfort only in ourselves? That we must act solely in our own interests for fear of being taken advantage of? I am a product of your conduct, I stretched my arms wide open and treated you all with respect and care, and in return I've been used and abused, shouted at and cast away like so much worthless trash in the gutter. I've almost been subverted by your teachings, my behaviour running by your understanding of the world 'as it is' as opposed to my view of how it could be with a little effort, that I should abandon my quest for like-minded people and accept that everyone is a self-centred, self-righteous, selfish creature that has the world revolving around them every hour of every day, that that will never change, that you will never change. I refuse to give in, I refuse to back down, and I refuse to be beaten into submission, I believe that if we were to stop and think of others, be honest and open and caring to eachother out of principle as opposed to a selfish need, a tiny utopia would arise, the bond between us would keep us strengthened for the world ahead of us, knowing that we had eachother. Is this what you want to leave behind? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
7:04 pm	You scored as Loner. </td> Loner 100% Drama nerd 56% Goth 50% Punk/Rebel 38% Stoner 25% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 13% Geek 13% Ghetto gangsta 13% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com hooray. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
5:14 pm	*does the whole band thing again* *sits in house otherwise, growing fat on enjoyable food* (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
10:48 am	Alright, lets go for it, since this is what this thing is meant to be for. I don't have any examination, lectures, seminars or reasons to go to uni for the next four months, that isn't a problem, since I hate uni anyway. Here's what is the problem: I'm trapped. It might not look like it to the ordinary eye, but when you stay long enough in these four walls, glued to the idiot box or bashing away at the computer, it starts getting to you, and you start wishing you were doing something else, like... erm... yeah. It's at that point you realise you live in Coleraine, and there IS nothing else to do, there's no reason to go outside, no point at all, so you stay indoors, constantly, until your desire to go out and do something becomes so strong that you leave the house for the sake of leaving the house. Then you realise just what is outside those four walls. You have legions of idiotic people, absolute hordes, and you hang about with a small group of people only one of whom you know, because everyone else you ever knew either doesn't speak to you anymore or doesn't leave their house either. I pick up the phone, and cycle through the names on my phone book, it's at that point you realise how little A) you care about these people and B) they care about you in return. Counting how many people on the list that are close to you is even better, it ranges somewhere between zero and none right now. Then you get back to the problem at hand, even if you had people who were close to you, what would you do? Answer: nothing. So what we're left with is the remaining 23 online contacts... how many of THEM am I close to? I think the count is somewhere around 2/3 at the moment. So after knowing thousands of people (yes, thousands) all over the world, over the years, there's a grand total of three people I'm close to, about 20 others I'm friendly with, none of whom I see regularly in person. Ouch. It's not through lack of trying either, I've tried to be friendly and nice and kind and caring and there for so many people, yet everyone goes away in the end, drifts away from me or discards me like I was nothing. I've lost count of the number of people who were really genuinely close to me, and then drifted away, but that, as heartbreaking as it may seem, isn't the problem. The problem is that the few people close to me are a million miles away, and the ones I'm friendly with I get to see once every blue moon. Not to mention the incredibly small number of people around here that A) are worth befriending and B) make an effort. Yup, around these parts we have those who are in uni, who have a rudimentary grasp on life outside of a bottle and a bed, and those who aren't, who have either been convicted 36 times or are pushing 6 prams at once, bitching about their best mate to their other 'best mate'. Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high, if the people around me are what modern society hails as the creme-de-la-creme, then I discard that thought, and realise that if that's the case, then societies standards have slipped so far that I'll never find anyone decent around these parts. I guess that's the problem isn't it, my high standards, not lifes low ones, if I had simply conformed with life and picked a bunch of people I don't care for in the slightest as my 'friends' then I wouldn't have this problem, sure, I'd have some unfaithful bimbo as a girlfriend, a raised alcohol/blood level, lungs as black as the night and 6 grandchildren, but I'd have 'the craic' I'd have had 'good times' I'd have been out with 'the lads' and I'd not be stuck in this prison with nobody left to help me. Bollocks to that, I'm standing by my belief that there's still enough good people in this world to forge friendships that last. Stupid life. *kicks it* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
9:38 pm	Give me a few less maths questions and I'd destroy it (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 7th, 2006
9:20 am	An update? From James? Eh?! My body is aching all over. That's always a good start to an entry! Seriously though, the only thing that has happened of late is the increase in essays all to be in for the 11th and the ending of all lectures this year. (4 month holiday....) I went into town the other day, that was fair enough, I really couldn't be arsed walking anymore though, someone chop my legs off. I wrote and recorded an album since the previous entry I think... Yeah that's about it, things are alright. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
11:23 pm	vidricarion's LiveJournal popularity rating is 2.03/10. vidricarion is more popular than 71.2% of all LiveJournal users. vidricarion is more popular than 57.1% of their mutual friends. How popular are you? LJ Popularity created by thehumangame. Ahoy-hoy! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 31st, 2006
9:25 pm	It's official, I'm a touchy man! :O The Five Love Languages My primary love language is probably Physical Touch with a secondary love language being Quality Time. Complete set of results Physical Touch: 9 Quality Time: 8 Acts of Service: 6 Words of Affirmation: 6 Receiving Gifts: 1 Information Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Take the quiz (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
3:02 pm	Yeah so here's an update on my life: My attempts at making it work with Naz have ended, as she cheated on me one final time with a guy that she's now going out with.... nice. I'll probably never see her again, which kinda sucks when you're in love with someone, y'know? I've just about managed to do enough work to stay in uni, I THINK, time will tell, but I'm still there and I'm still doing stuff, just about. My band kicked me out claiming I wasn't the singer they were looking for. They didn't actually tell me, I found out through a website, they were too afraid to tell me it would seem and it was only after one of my friends launched a bitter attack at them (I didn't ask her to) that they responded with why they no longer wanted me. I keep having dreams about dead people, on the days that I do sleep, which aren't frequent enough, might have something to do with what I dream, eh? I've just sat about the house being miserable, doing nothing and eating far too much and as a result have ballooned up 1 1/2 stone....yay. I found out I was diagnosed with autism 2 years ago, and had mentally blocked it out until my mum mentioned it in idle conversation with me, turns out it's a lot more severe than I had initially thought, so basically all the problems I have with who I am cannot be changed. I suppose it's alright in a sense since I've accepted who I am and lived with it for a very long time, and in a sense it's a relief knowing that it ISN'T my fault after all, but that's a very thin silver lining. I'll probably go to a psychiatrist and have it diagnosed properly, but there's no doubt that I suffer from nearly all the symptoms of Aspergers Syndrome... yay. It's not neccessarily a bad thing as such, it's just taken me a few weeks to come to terms with it. I've a good home, a great family, an easy lifestyle, reasonable health, a few friends, no financial problems, a girl that loves me but is a million miles away and plenty of worldly things but that's about where the good things in my life end. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
12:56 am	Here's a little update. This Is My Life, Rated Life: 2 Mind: 1.3 Body: 2.4 Spirit: 1.4 Friends/Family: 1.5 Love: 0 Finance: 1 Take the Rate My Life Quiz (Comment on this)
12:37 am	Hello there, empty void. So today I found out that my band has decided to go on without me, but never told me. That's nice, that's very kind of you, very fucking kind indeed, possibly because they were afraid of me, afterall they had to witness me go berzerk on stage every gig, so they knew what I was like angry. Wankers, fucking wankers the lot of them, why do I try? Every fucking time I fucking try, what the fuck happens, fucked around, that's what, nobody can ever fucking be a decent fucking human being anymore, you all have to fuck with me, each and every one of you, in your own special little fucking unique way, picking away and destroying everything I ever loved and held dear. Fuck that and fuck you. The only person who has ever really loved me can't be with me because she's too fucking fucked up and I'm not to blame for fuck all of it, she's fucked me over so many times it's laughable and I still fucking love her, that's love, I fucking hate love, if I could tear every caring feeling out of my body and become a being of pure anger and malevolent hatred I'd do it, I'd cock a shotgun to the lot of you fuckwits and fucking teach you the fucking consequences of your fucking actions, that's a good fucking idea, because after all, they don't give a shit about me, so why should I fucking care if they live or die? fuck that... their life is shit to me, and anyone who cares for them means fuck all to me, so why should I fucking care? Go out in a big fucking blaze of glory, hunting down and killing every fucker that has ever hurt me... I'd love that, but the list is fucking endless, I'd have to keep it to a select few, nah, fuck it, too much effort. You see all these people who turn guns on people then blow their fucking heads off, and you always hear some priest or something going on about how deeply shocking it is... shocking? fuck off... it's happening all the time, it's human nature to kill, it's fucking natural to kill I don't see a monkey devoting their life to christ. Don't get me started on that though, don't get me started, I've so much fucking hate in me, I could write a big fucking wiki of hate, or do my own critical review site on why i hate everything, some fucking outlet that would be, it doesn't mean shit, it's meaningless, useless, fuck it, no outlet. Posers, the fucking lot of you, you speak the words and you do the dance but when it fucking comes to it you're a fraud inside and you know it. There are so many deluded, idiotic, self-serving fools plaguing the streets these days, they're everywhere, the apathy is staggering, and it's stagnating with the stench of 'the way things are' It's always been like this, there is no englightened age to hark back to, it's always been shit and nothing has been done about it, nothing can be done about it now, we're all too far gone and doomed to a life of slow decay. There's a few, a sweet handful of people I don't mind, and even less that I can actually get on with, that's it, that's all that's left, there's nothing else left, just this handful of people, all so detached from me. Everyone who has ever got close has fucked me over, upset me, hurt me, hell, half of them have ended up hating me, several told me there's no point in living anymore. There is a point you fucking morons, it's almost masochistic in its desire, you can sit, and you can watch on your screens, the final demise of all mankind, and you can sit back, and laugh, and become apathetic, self-serving, savour all that's left from this wrinkled husk of existence, then toss it aside as carelessly as you would your own life. God what a fucking diatribe, I could go on, I could keep typing until my hands became seized up bloody stumps, hammering against this in rage, but none of it would do any good, so fuck this. Ps: I'm alright, just the usual daily feelings, thought I'd put it down in an entry though :) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:27 am	yay.... This Is My Life, Rated Life: 7.6 Mind: 8.1 Body: 9.2 Spirit: 7.7 Friends/Family: 5 Love: 6.9 Finance: 5.5 Take the Rate My Life Quiz (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
7:44 am	I woke 12 hours ago. So that gives me until about lunchtime to stay awake. My sleep pattern is having a great deal of fun. I've been talking to Em lots, she's great.... really great She reads this. Few do. Hi Em *waves*. Her, Pro Evolution Soccer 5, 24 season 3, Star Trek The Next Generation season 1/2, Naruto and the occasional bit of music and Naomi are what my life consists of at the minute. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
12:22 am	Sleep in heavenly peace Christmas was good, got lots of good stuff, a lightsaber, a 5.1 surround system etc, all good. Met my girlfriend at 3 in the morning, half way between my house and hers (3 miles out of town in the freezing cold and pitch dark)and took her back to my place, great fun. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Talk Talk - Laughing Stock (Comment on this)
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
4:04 pm	A quick update about a dream I had I was in some sort of hybrid Northern Irish town that didn't exist, it was far away from my native Coleraine area, and I was attending some sort of uni/college/school. Okay? Well, from what I remember, it somehow leaked out that I liked this girl... and everyone ended up knowing and mocking me and laughing about it, until I turned round and faced them all and screamed at them 'yeah, fine, great, I fancy her, big deal'. I then found out that for some odd (and probably impossible) reason, she was attending the same place, so we got talking lots in reality and stuff, and it was all really REALLY nice. Then I thought, I gotta get outta here and get back to my girlfriend, so I packed my bags (appears that it was a boarding place)... and left on my bike. I couldn't find a way to leave for some reason, ended up near the ruins of a castle, and then asked for directions back to the college-thing, which turned out to be really nearby. I then resigned myself to never seeing my girlfriend again, and the dream ended with my arms around this other girl. What you lot make of that eh? Current Mood: contemplative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:03 am	weeeee So that past few days have seen me waking up at around 4 in the afternoon and sleeping at 7 in the morning, and during winter that means I get a few hours of daylight a day, which really messed me up, it felt like one big day the lot of it. During this space of time I did practically nothing, wandered about the house doing bits and pieces, without ever going outside, interesting times eh? Then today I finally went out to meet my girly downtown, after some wonderful soup in the afternoon from my dad, haven't slept all that much unsurprisingly, met her downtown and had a great old time with her and her mates. Bought her anything she saw and she wanted, spoilt her silly perhaps, but she's worth it to me. Then went to the watermargin for a chinese meal with the family for my bros 18th, Naomi went with her dad, the meal was lovely. Got a lift home with my granny (who was at the meal) and talked about Granda with her, that was emotional... very emotional. Then got home and pottered about a bit, then Naomi turned up again and we had a jolly old time. Great day. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Talk Talk - Laughing Stock/Spirit Of Eden (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
1:03 am	"I don't know how you can physically do that" The above was quoted from one out of a crowd of people telling me how great I was today.... nice eh? I had of course, just come off-stage after a performance with my band to a relatively empty Portstewart town hall, it was enjoyable all the same, as my girlfriend was watching us for the first time. She said in all honesty that we were brilliant, which seemed to echo the sentiment I was getting from the witnesses of our group. *head explodes due to vast increase in size* It's good though, I really feed off the positive energy that these random people throw at me My girlie had turned up in the morning all set for the gig and transport there and back wasn't a problem, though the amp in the back seat wasn't exactly comfortably wedged between us. I'm growing in confidence I guess, knowing more about how the microphone reacts to my voice and how to best utilize it, I'm developing as a front man....yay! There were the usual calls for Free Bird and I was asked if we could do a cover... I answered by telling them quite simply that we just do our own shit (hardcore response). I wasn't so knackered after the performance either... I've got practice tomorrow so that's a good thing... think it has something to do with the volume levels being lower and my voice getting used to it. Other than this, well, today has been enjoyable enough, it's always a good day when my girlfriend is involved, and today saw that coming together of my 'band' life and my 'boyfriend' life so to speak. I do feel like a different person sometimes when I'm on that stage... just go into a little world of pain, which I exorcise through my throat. One thing I must do is get more people coming to these gigs, question is who? Looking forward to a nice few weeks off now for Christmas, other than band-work it's going to be a relaxing and enjoyable time. My favourite footie team Chelsea have drawn Barcelona in the Champions League, arguably the best team in the world at the minute... and we play Arsenal tommorrow (who have a good record against us) so that should be interesting... think I'll miss that due to practice though, oh well. Enough blathering James, things are good, we know.... Turrah for now Ladies and Gents. Current Mood: relaxed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
4:50 pm	Sleep is all very well and good you know, but not if you're doing it all the way through your day... The past few days have seen me going to bed at 8 in the morning.... 12 in the afternoon..... and waking up at stupid o'clock as a result. Of course, sleeping in the middle of the day messes about with your head, so now I feel tired ALL the time, which is nice. This must tell you how exciting my life is at the minute, I welcome it to be honest, I like a bit of quiet tedium, without any massive drama or horrifying revelations. I just feel like sleeping all the time to be honest... Got a gig in the middle of the afternoon tomorrow too... hopefully my throat will hold up for that one, it's been acting a bit funny of late. The last gig was great... completely exhausting though, had me recovering for the best part of this week from it, jumped off the stage into the crowd.... mistake...sore back... headbanged.... mistake...sore neck... etc I'll be grand... just need to take it easy today... might cycle over to the girlfriends later... I'm long overdue a visit there. I'm in the red in my bank account, gotta shift some money over from my other account, stupid Christmas... Got some new earplugs to test out for the concert... should be good. Tried them out using the speakers... but the volume on them doesn't go high enough... just realised though, my headphones might do the trick! Anyways, enough pointless rambling from me. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: The Arcade Fire - Funeral (Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
2:28 pm	I was thrown out of the Rosetta bar and banned for life for dropping the microphone and general disregard of the equipment I was using. I walked all around Belfast then, until finally getting a very expensive taxi home. So the past few days have just been rest and recovery for me, the essay got accepted a day after it was due by the office for some strange reason. So now I dunno if I want to continue with the band or not, gigging has been an absolute nightmare and my dreams of becoming a rock star don't seem to exist anymore. I think I should quit. Speaking of dreams, I had a very weird dream last night, I was back in my old house, or at least, a place that looked very like my old house, and it was late at night, I then noticed the people I was with, Gavin, Wouter, Scott and Em. This in itself is rather odd because I haven't actually met any of those people face to face. I checked the kitchen and everything there was out of code by a year, except one loaf of bread. Then the dream ended with me cuddling Em and smiling and feeling happy and at peace. What the hell? Current Mood: confused Current Music: System Of A Down - Hypnotize (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
9:26 pm	and make us meaningless again.. So today I woke up and was sick in the toilet. Good start. I've been ill for the past few days. I struggled on though because I had to hand in an essay worth 70% of my module marks today. I got on my bike and started cycling down there, but unfortunately the driving rain and slippery road conspired to bring me down near the bridge.... where all the cars promptly passed my motionless body quite happily. Apathy: isn't it wonderful? I got up eventually, having lost a lot of time, and struggled off to uni. I then found out at the uni office that I had to limp to the other end of the uni to submit it. I failed to do that in time, and saw these two ladies passing with the essays and asked if I could stick mine in... they told me I couldn't. That was the end of uni. I cycled home and now I don't know what's gonna happen. I've got this form that apparently waives the time limit due to sicknes, we'll see. In other news, I've found out from Andy that I'm playing the capital city tomorrow with the band, fun times. Current Mood: sick Current Music: Muse - Origin Of Symmetry (Comment on this)